Prayers

Do you believe that God answers prayer? I’ve had my ups and downs with this to be honest. I’ve had some prayers that I prayed for a long long time, and they didn’t come true. Like a wish in a Genie’s lamp or a wish upon a star, I said what I wanted. But it didn’t happen. I’d say that unanswered prayer has been one of my biggest faith roadblocks in the last 10 years or maybe more.

One of the prayers I prayed for a long time was that God would let me stay home with my kids. I spent many a day bringing that up before the Lord, pleading that my will be done. I tried to get around to ‘your will be done’, but it was a tenuous peace if I ever found one. One day I became completely convinced that God had told me I wouldn’t have to go back to work and could homeschool my kids in the fall. I made an event of believing this, really, and stayed open and hopeful and faith-filled. The days of August ticked by on the calendar while I nervously glanced out of the corner of my eye at our schedule. The last night of summer holidays came, and we prepared for school the next day. I sat in shock in my car after dropping my kids off at school. Disappointed tears streamed down my face as I asked many questions in confusion. It hurt so bad. Was God a liar? Had I made that up? Did he have the good of my family in mind? Could I even hear him? And maybe the most deeply confronting question, Did He love me?

I’d like to say I made my peace with it and moved on, but it was a long road of a confusing journey for me. It wasn’t so much pain about school and work, as my kids loved their school and I had a great job that I was very thankful for. Truthfully, I knew that right now our school was a really good place for both of them. But it was pain about what God and I even were to each other.  I will say that I eventually kind of agreed to look past that and move along, to just write it off as a sort of ‘I don’t know what that was’ experience and proceed with what I believed to be truth as I lived my life. I’m much more cautious about any sort of messages from God or assurances in my heart from Him, and I like to think that’s wisdom growing in me, but even that, I’m not so sure.

So last month, as I was inwardly cackling with glee about my kids coming home for awhile and me getting to be home with them, the thought struck me. You mean, you are getting to stay home and not work and homeschool your kids? Really? Hmm, interesting. Very interesting. 

That being said, I’m not homeschooling, I’m helping remind them when to go online to see their teachers and checking in with them to make sure the assignments are moving forward. And then trying not to throttle Mr.Youtube, but that’s a whole other topic for another time.

All that to say, I’m thinking about prayer in this isolation time, further expanding my definition of it maybe, and taking a slightly more humble look back. Some prayers that I was quite devoted to even as far back as 25 years ago, have recently come to light – either as realizing that those things have come to pass many years later in a different way than I ever imagined, or even realizing those prayers that I now know would have been a very bad idea for me and others I love.

Maybe that’s what faith is, stepping forward when we’re not sure and doing the next right thing, choosing to trust a God who we know is good.