Day Two - Beginnings
Raya grew up as an only child, in sunny dry Oklahoma, and
she had a few memories of happy times with her parents from the early days. Her
memories mostly were about being outside, with blue skies and tall grasses
blowing in a light breeze by a pond, feeling warm and enjoying her hand tucked in
her papa’s big soft hand. They threw bread to the ducks and watched the baby
ducks following their mama across the water. One day when Raya was eight years
old, her papa wasn’t home when she got home from school. She saw the rotating
red and blue lights of the police cars in her dreams for years, and sometimes
still when she was really tired or worried about something, those familiar
chaotic swirling colours appeared behind her eyelids when she closed her eyes,
and her heart skipped a beat.
Raya stayed in their house with her mama, but she soon realized
that her mama left that day too, and a shell of a body remained. Her mama’s
long hippie braids were still there for Raya to twist through her fingers, and
her long legs in her jeans still stretched out on the couch for Raya to perch
herself on while they watched the Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune. But the
smile in her eyes was gone and never returned. Raya learned to make herself
school lunches after a couple days of opening her lunch kit to the spoiled
remainders of last week. If her clothes were clean when she got home from
school, she quickly took them off and put on some play clothes so she her
clothes would last longer before she had to do laundry. It became a way of life for her to look after
herself.
Losing both her parents early in life shaped Raya in ways that
she’d likely never fully comprehend. She didn’t get to say goodbye to either
one of her parents. They both just left, without warning and without
affirmations of love and assurances of belonging. It was a type of loneliness
that a person never really gets over. On the other hand, it made her more
independent, strong and self-reliant. She excelled in school and worked very
hard to get ahead in life. Her good grades got her a scholarship to a local
private college and she worked on and off campus to help pay her bills.
She actually hadn’t seen her mom in years. Of the two seats
Raya had paid for at her high school graduation dinner, only one of them was occupied, by
herself, while her mom’s seat was empty and cold. That painful evening – having no loved one to smile at while she accepted her awards and gave her speech, the sympathetic looks from her fellow students and their happy families, the
questioning looks of others, just all of it – was the end of her relationship
with her mom as far as Raya was concerned. She was pretty sure her mom was on
the streets somewhere, between stints in rehab, and Raya just had to draw a
line and move on with her life.
That’s why Nell meant so much to Raya. When Nell looked at
her, it felt like a mama looking at a daughter.
Having Nell in her life helped with the gaping hole in her heart left by
her parents.
Comments
Post a Comment